


Will You Still Love Me, When I've Got Nothing but My Aching Soul?

by Eggsyobsessed



Series: ABC Medical Series [5]
Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Hopeful Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Major Illness, Marriage, Recovery, Self-Doubt, Tissue Warning, True Love, strokes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-29
Updated: 2020-09-29
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:22:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,926
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26708944
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eggsyobsessed/pseuds/Eggsyobsessed
Summary: They say love conquers all, sees us through the good times, bad times and unsure times. In sickness and in health, for richer and poorer, but does love truly see us through the poorer...but most importantly the sickness?After Kingsman, newly retired, Merlin and Eggsy's thirty-five year long marriage is put to the test, when Merlin suffers a stroke. It nearly takes his life, but does seize his ability to care for himself, leaving them both stricken and fearful of the future. But with love, patience and vows that prove their strength, Merlin and Eggsy are determined to fight for one another, regardless of circumstance.
Relationships: Merlin/Gary "Eggsy" Unwin
Series: ABC Medical Series [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1308917
Comments: 16
Kudos: 27





	Will You Still Love Me, When I've Got Nothing but My Aching Soul?

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so, it appears I'm back at this again. 
> 
> This story has been sitting in my docs for two years, for those who don't know me this is a very sensitive subject and one I hold so dear to my heart. The woman who was like a mother to me, the one who taught me love and patience and compassion, my Gram, suffered a stroke that should have taken her. But God had another plan, and so she lived four more years after, long enough to see my graduate and marry, but not long enough to see my become a nurse. 
> 
> I know she's proud of me, and I dare say she's the reason I do what I do today. I love and miss her each day, and the sting never quite relinquishes, even after nearly 7 years. She was my inspiration, the person I was named after, and always lives in my heart. 
> 
> With that being said, this is why this story has taken me that long to let go and let out into the world. It holds so many of my personal experiences, and a lot of the ache I felt then. I did heavily edit this, but I will admit I did not read it over a second time after the initial hard edit. So please forgive any mistakes, it was hard enough to go through it, but I am overall satisfied with the final product. 
> 
> If you choose to read, thank you, and you'll know a little bit more about me from reading. If this is not your jam, I understand. 
> 
> \--- 
> 
> Title borrowed from lyrics to a song: Lana Del Rey - Young and Beautiful

_“Will you still love me_

_When I'm no longer young and beautiful?_

_Will you still love me_

_When I've got nothing but my aching soul?_

_I know you will, I know you will_

_I know that you will_

_Will you still love me when I'm no longer beautiful?”_

It was an ordinary day, nothing extraordinary about their newly retired lives. Eggsy was making cuppas, ready to join his husband in the sitting room for a lazy evening with cakes their son Lee and their granddaughter made, wanting Grandpa and Papa to have a sweet with tea. The older men were chuffed and appreciative of the gesture.

Eggsy loaded it all on a tea tray, wandering out with Luna hot on his heels, the grey feline purred and meowed close to his ankles, rubbing her whiskered face along his trousers.

“Don’t worry. I’ll get you your wet food in a second. Da is waiting for tea.” She seemed momentarily perplexed before she followed along. Eggsy stopped just inside the first floor loo, making sure to grab a bottle of paracetamol for Merlin’s headache, and wandered into the sitting room.

“Babe?” He was sure to have left his eighty five year old husband on the sofa. Merlin was right fit, even after all these years and always would be to Eggsy, but the days where he could move with little trouble were gone. The minute they closed their lives to Kingsman and decided to enjoy life as it was, Merlin’s body finally relaxed enough that years of abuse and neglect finally caught up with him.

He looked down at Luna. “Did he wander off to the loo?” Eggsy frowned, knowing he hadn’t seen him in there. “Babe?” Eggsy called louder.

As he set the tray down, he noticed a figure in their hall toward the office; Eggsy dropped everything, spilling tea and biscuits to rush to Merlin’s side.

“Babe!”

It was supposed to be an ordinary day, nothing extraordinary about their newly retired lives; until there was.

\---

Eggsy paced the hospital waiting room, an hour had passed since they brought Merlin in via ambulance. He couldn’t move, couldn’t speak, the best he got out was a garbled sound from a partially paralyzed form and weak attempts to get Eggsy’s attention. It felt like decades since he dialed those vital three numbers, begging with the operator to get them help.

A lifetime passed, it was really only another hour, before someone surfaced to give him any sort of information.

“Mr. Unwin?” Eggsy started. He was dazed enough that he didn’t notice the doctor approaching him, or the kind hand touching his bicep. “Mr. Unwin,” the kind voice repeated.

“Yeah?” He barely recognized his own voice. “I’m sorry, yeah. I’m Mr. Unwin.”

He was tall and blonde, young, with a wide gentle smile. “I’m Dr. Rhodes, Hamish Unwin’s neurologist.” Dr. Rhodes gestured with a free hand toward a row of chairs. “If you would like to sit?”

Eggsy wandered over, entertaining the doctor for a moment, and prepared for anything but what he heard. It was as if he spoke gibberish, another language Eggsy wasn’t fluent in, one that was foreign to the human race.

“I’m sorry?”

The doctor’s grave face was lined with empathy Eggsy couldn’t grasp. How could this man, this stranger, possibly know what he was going through? What Merlin was feeling. Eggsy started to stand, feeling anxiety crowd his chest, invading his lungs making it impossible to breathe.

“Your husband had a major stroke,” Dr. Rhodes slowly repeated, as if he was stupid.

“I know what you said,” Eggsy snapped. He looked away, tears gathering until he couldn’t see.

It took him a moment to figure out he was moving, that he had wandered far enough away from the Doctor who was meant to heal his husband, but had just informed him of his unlikely recovery...or slim chance of. He reached his goal and emptied the contents of lunch and dinner into a rubbish bin. Stroke. Left sided weakness, effected the right hemisphere of his brain...unsure of his alert status. Can’t talk. Lethargic...weak. A feeding tube for nutrition. The words played over and over in his mind until his head spun, causing his stomach to bubble and churn until he emptied everything, including bile, into the hospital’s can.

“Here.” The same hand that first held his arm in comfort, offered tissue and a comforting pat to the back.

“Thanks.” His voice was rough and gravely as he wiped his mouth and nose, using the clean side to rid of the tears. “Can I see him?”

“Of course.”

The walk to the intensive care unit seemed to last forever, as if to taunt him, torture his psych as to what he was about to see.

“I’m sorry?” Eggsy felt like a broken record. He had been spoken to, he was sure of it, but all he could hear were garbled sounds that had left Merlin’s lips before he was loaded onto the gurney.

Doctor Rhodes had the patience of a saint. “There are changes, I’m sure that you will notice, but he can hear you.” Eggsy nodded. “There will be much to happen in the coming days, Mr. Unwin, and a long road of recovery if he pulls through. These next few days are critical.” Eggsy remembered the eleven percent chance of survival the Doctor gave him; his stomach flipped again. “If you need anything, please feel free to contact the nursing staff or myself.” He was handed a card, given a final squeeze at his shoulder, and left alone.

Eggsy found his strength to walk into the room where various machines surrounded a bed, making all sorts of noise to drown out the fact there were none coming from the man lying in the bed. But that man only resembled a shadow of what Merlin used to be, barely a fraction of himself only three and a half hours ago. The difference devastated him, making his advancements toward his right side clumsy and weak.

Merlin’s face was distorted, sagging to the left in clear indication his muscle and nerves were paralyzed on that side. It was like Eggsy was seeing his husband ten years into the future, in such a short time how could so much have passed? A nasal cannula was lodged in his nostrils, adding to his frail and fragile appearance. Eggsy hadn't realized he had moved until he stood to the left of his bed, thinking better of it he moved to the right where he gathered Merlin’s ‘good’ hand as he took a seat.

“Babe,” Eggsy choked out, squeezing his eyes shut until tears slipped beneath closed eyelids. He didn’t expect Merlin to move, or respond, but he did. The hand he held squeezed against his own, signaling Merlin understood in some capacity.

As if that weren’t enough, Merlin’s lips tried to move in effort to speak with only wet whispers being spoken.

“Sh.” Eggsy smoothed his palm over Merlin’s bald head. “Don’t talk, I’m here, okay?” Merlin gave what appeared to be a weak nod, his hazel eyes worn and exhausted. “Sleep. I ain’t going nowhere.” He lifted the worn, trembling hand to press a kiss there. “I love you.” It was a tear filled whisper that bled with sincerity.

Eggsy held his hand against a wet cheek, rocking as he hummed a soothing melody as Merlin drifted off again. He’d have to tell their children, but for now Eggsy just held his husband and prayed.

\---

It was determined Merlin was alert and oriented a few days prior, that he could hear and understand but communication was hindered greatly. They told Eggsy the best way for Merlin to make progress was to start any, and all therapies right away. It was a few days before they began to start working with Merlin on his strength and speech, something painful to watch as Merlin struggled to speak. Eggsy could see the frustration evident on his husband’s features.

“It’s okay,” Eggsy soothed after his second speech session. He saw Merlin try to say something and sigh when all that came out was a jumbled mess of sounds. Frustration clouded Merlin’s eyes, the man wasn’t known for his patience. “One day at a time, yeah?” Merlin gave him a weak, lopsided smile. Eggsy closed his eyes against the shaky hand that cupped his cheek, his heart swelled with love for his husband.

“I love you.” He lifted up to whisper over Merlin’s mouth, leaning in to kiss him despite the drool that escaped from the corner of his mouth. Eggsy wrapped his arms around Merlin when he noticed his husband begin to cry, it wasn’t anything Eggsy was used to. His husband was always strong and sure of himself, what the stroke had done wore on him, causing his careful composure to slip.

Merlin was always the comforter, but times have changed and it was Eggsy’s turn to give back the years Merlin’s given him.

\---

It was a long week in the intensive care unit, where Merlin made progress with all his therapies, but not quick enough for him. He became increasingly frustrated with the fact that he couldn’t say more than his husband’s name, and a few simple words. And even then, they were slurred and sometimes mixed together with other sounds; he didn’t make much sense. They had moved him to a more permanent floor in the hospital, one for elderly people like himself and people who needed more time to recover.

A nurse wandered in during the early hours of the morning with a bright smile on her face, and cheery scrubs probably in an effort to brighten a patient’s mood. It would have worked, however Merlin knew why she was there.

“Good morning,” she smiled kindly at him. He watched her move around the room, her steps light and rhythmic as she took a syringe out and flushed the tube in his belly. He wanted real food, but couldn’t do more than swallow pudding thick liquids and even then he choked as if he hadn’t had a sip of drink a day in his life. “Using the board--” She slid it in front of him. “--Can you tell me your pain?”

Merlin pointed to the three, his left side hurt. The inability to move them caused an ache he’d never known before, it was tight and cramped.

“Left side?” Merlin nodded. She was his regular nurse in the morning. “I’ll give you something for that.” Jenny was gentle, always discreet and kind when she administered medications and started his feed. “Do you need anything else?” She washed her hands and filled out the white board in front of him that signified she was his nurse, his aide and when to expect therapies.

“Eggsy,” he slurred. As if she could bring his husband. “Muh-mmm-my Eggsy,” Merlin tried again while she checked his vitals. His brow furrowed when she didn’t answer him right away, and with his good hand tapped to get her attention. “Eggsy.” The more he said it the clearer it became.

“I know, Aiden. He will be in, he always comes around this time.” She hung another bag of fluids just as Eggsy wandered in.

“Look who’s up.” Eggsy smiled as Merlin reached for him, his own grin wide and eager to see him. “Did you sleep well?” He gave him a kiss, and settled into the chair on the right like he always did.

“Eggsy,” Merlin sighed. A night without his husband seemed like a lifetime, Merlin always missed him.

“I’m here, babe.” Eggsy cupped his husband’s wrinkled cheek. He reached over and grabbed a tissue to dab away the saliva, coming from the one side of Merlin’s mouth. He gave a kiss to the affected side even as Merlin turned away with disgust and impatience.

A frown wrinkled his forehead further. “Ugly,” Merlin managed to say.

“Beautiful,” Eggsy insisted. He sat back with a long suffering sigh when all Merlin did was glare at him. It was going to be one of those days then, Eggsy thought to himself.

And it turned out to be, Merlin was grumpy and short with the staff when his body didn’t respond how he wished. All Eggsy could do was be supportive and provide kind words of encouragement, and soft apologies to the people who tried to help Merlin. It wasn’t until lunchtime, when their son stopped by, that Merlin actually seemed a bit perkier.

Lee was seated on the edge of Merlin’s bed, holding his hand as the three talked. “How’d today go?” Lee wondered.

Merlin scrunched his face with concentration, trying to gather the sounds to the words he wanted to say. “Hard.” He finally said after five minutes.

“I know.” Lee nodded and gave his father’s hand a squeeze. “Did they have you try food yet?”

“We get to do that tonight at dinner.” Eggsy smiled and took Merlin’s limp hand in his. “Hoping to get you off that feeding, yeah?”

“That’s good news, Da,” Lee enthused brightly before he turned to Eggsy. “Talked to Adira today, said she was getting a flight in for next week. Had to wait until Harold got the time.”

Eggsy nodded. “Yeah, she did mention that in a text earlier, but I was shaving your father.” Eggsy ran the back of his hand down against the now smooth skin of Merlin’s cheek.

Lee smiled at Merlin who gave him one back. “Ginny has been asking about her Grandpa.”

At the mention of their granddaughter, Merlin’s face fell and contorted with sorrow; he missed her little face.

“Miss,” Merlin said as a few tears escaped his eyes. “Home.” He let go of Lee’s hand in favor to reach Eggsy. “Eggsy, home.” His strength to stay stoic and brave faced died when he suffered the stroke, now he was a puddle of emotion and heartache that he couldn’t do for himself, or see his family.

“Oh, Lee.” Eggsy admonished their son and wiped the tears Merlin shed without his say so.

“I’m sorry.” Lee attempted to step back, but Merlin took his hand again and held it as tight as he could. It wasn’t his fault that Merlin missed them, that he couldn’t go home, that his grandbabies couldn’t come see him yet. “Da I didn’t mean to make you sad.”

Merlin got himself composed enough to give his husband, what he hoped to be, a reprimanding glare. “Eggsy.” His eyes went between the two men flanking him.

“I know it’s not his fault,” Eggsy said, understanding what his husband meant. “I’m sorry, Lee.”

“I don’t want to make Da upset.” He bit his lip, and kissed his father’s cheek. Merlin gave his boy’s hand a reassuring squeeze in hopes to soothe his guilt. “I’ll bring her when we get you settled in rehab.”

Merlin looked at his son, feeling a pain in his heart that he couldn’t rightfully quell the distress etched in his features. “My son.” He patted Lee’s cheek with one hand as his brain tried to will his left hand to cup the other side, even though it lay there un-moving and flaccid against the sheets.

“Yep.” Lee smiled, leaning into Merlin’s touch, his blue-green eyes wide and misty.

Their son stayed for a while longer, sharing pictures of their granddaughter Ginny and grandson, Connor. That evening Merlin had tried pureed foods, which was too good to be true, because a few bites in had resulted in a choking fit that scared the life out of Eggsy. And it was decided to keep the regime for his tube feed, attempting to try each day with different consistencies and work more with speech therapy.

It all sounded well and good, if it weren’t for the mournful gaze Merlin gave Eggsy; his heart broke to think of how helpless his husband must feel.

“We’ll get you there, it hasn’t been long,” Eggsy whispered encouragingly.

Eggsy stayed well after Merlin was asleep, always afraid if he closed his eyes or left, Merlin would vanish and his heart would be gone forever. It was hard to leave, even knowing he was in the care of London’s best nurses and physicians. Somehow it never soothed the ache in his heart, or the growing anxiety that came with each departure in the night; he was leaving part of his soul behind.

The drive home was always lonely and too quiet, it allowed Eggsy to get in his own head and worry about the what if’s. He would never admit this to his kids, and certainly not Merlin, but each time he had himself a good cry, where he could unload all of the stress and uncertainty of the whole situation.

\---

Merlin wasn’t able to stand, which was irritating enough, couple that with his inability to speak correctly, and he began to feel his patience slip; not that he had a whole lot to start with. Everyone told him he made progress, that he had taken huge strides even when he felt anything but. Merlin wanted to excel, to soar and fly. Well, maybe not fly, but at least walk and go home. Though home was less likely, these days, and the nursing facility he needed for rehab was more plausible.

“Said you’re going to be transferred tomorrow,” Eggsy said while he wiped away the toothpaste from Merlin’s face. He had taken it upon himself to make sure Merlin was shaved daily, had all of the necessary care he would give himself at home, and a thorough bed bath each day. To say there was little left to the imagination in their marriage, would be an understatement.

There was movement to the right hand, but not strong enough to keep steady for things like shaving, tooth brushing and everything else. Add that along with the rest of his decline; Merlin started to see the dark of his life, no longer to see a light at the end of this ever lengthening tunnel.

Merlin typed a response about that, accentuating his displeasure of not being able to go home and being moved from one sterile environment to the next. Eggsy had brought a few things from home, his glasses, jumpers and some cardigans along with his trust tablet.

It was like missing a limb.

“You really need to use your words, babe.” Eggsy chided as he took care of the mess.

“Nae come out right,” Merlin slurred the last few words, causing them to sound like one.

But Eggsy understood, he always knew what Merlin tried to say. “I know, but the more you talk the better it gets.” Merlin rolled his eyes. “Good to see your attitude hasn’t changed any.” Merlin huffed irritably and typed a quick response. Eggsy leaned in to read. “I’m not the one bitterly stubborn, you keep that up and you won’t talk.”

Merlin flipped him the two finger salute, earning him a chuckle and sweet kiss that he pressed into.

“You’re lucky I love you.” Eggsy returned to packing the room for transfer tomorrow.

“I love ye too.” That came out crystal clear.

\---

Merlin had been there a few weeks, the initial admission process like no other day while he was in hospital. A million questions, strangers looking at his naked old arse and vitals every eight hours to determine a baseline. He was thankful it wasn’t every two hours, he’d never gotten any sleep. But he settled in nicely, or as well as he could; it wasn’t home. Eggsy had him up in his reclining chair, which was a sad excuse in comparison to the lay-z boy he had at home, and assisted him eat the horrid pureed food. He wagered it was better than not having anything at all, finally able to have something.

It was one of those ‘don’t take it for granted’ scenarios, and he swore to God he wouldn’t ever take food for granted.

The ability to hold utensils properly still posed a challenge, and it wasn’t until he dropped the spoon in his lap four times, before he allowed his husband to help; it was an embarrassment he’d rather live without. And thanks to his stubbornness, Merlin would need a change of clothes too. The grey, cotton fabric of his trousers stained the bright orange of the carrot he currently consumed.

His new reality was more depressing each day than the next, feeling helpless and afraid Eggsy would leave him in a moment's notice. Because who wanted to care for their eighty five year old husband, day in and day out, as if he was an overgrown child? He felt certain Eggsy would not, yet here he was from morning till night, doing all the things the staff should be doing.

Eggsy wiped off the bit of carrot that had dribbled down his chin, distracting him momentarily from his internal struggle, and went on to gather more on the spoon when Merlin stopped him. “All done? Haven’t had much.” Eggsy observed the plate, not even a quarter offered was gone.

“How?” Merlin questioned, feeling the sentence stuck in his throat. Eggsy’s frown was a clear indication he hadn’t caught on. “I dinnae deserve ye,” he explained, slurring the last word. He’d worked so hard to speak as effortlessly as possible, but the minute he felt emotion stir and close his throat, it was as if his therapies were for naught.

“Aiden,” Eggsy whispered. It sounded more like a plea. “You are my husband.” The lines adorned his face deepened, causing him to look a good decade older than his sixty years, his eyes bore into him with evident desperation.

As he stared at the face he’s loved longer than he hasn’t, Merlin could see it there; how tired his husband had become. How much this weighed on him, just as it had Merlin. Of course he couldn’t expect Eggsy not to wear the stress, he came up every morning around eight and left once Merlin was tucked into bed. All the while Eggsy did Merlin’s care himself, even as they had a team of nurses and aides to provide Merlin the assistance he needed.

Reality of it all was Eggsy didn’t have much of a life outside of Merlin’s recovery; it was a lonely path for them both.

“I am broken, Eggsy.”

Eggsy willed his tears to stop, sobering up enough to set his chin and tightened his jaw in a way he’s done since he was a young lad. “We are not doing this again, Aiden. So you might as well stop now,” Eggsy snapped; patience looked far from the man who had them in large supply through all of this.

“Ye are so much younger,” he argued. As if that made his case more prevalent, and to Merlin it did.

But it was there he finally noticed the difference they’d lived with for decades, he was eighty five with the incapability to care for himself. How would that ever be fair to the man who had full mobility, and a bright, long future ahead during his retirement years. Not to mention the embarrassment that followed with each morning, afternoon and night. He’d never once voiced his discomfort to Eggsy, not that it was a hardship to have his husband wash, dress, change and eat, but it WAS burden whether Eggsy chose to acknowledge that or not.

“Wot?” Eggsy asked, clearly taken aback. “You think I care how old you are? Now? Really?”

“I may not ever be able to care for myself.” The more agitated he became, the more his words blended into one; he was frustrated.

How could Eggsy not see?

“You think I give a fuck?” Eggsy’s body shifted, turning toward Merlin to better face him; his face a mask of disbelief and anger. There was nothing Merlin could say. He gazed off toward the telly he hadn’t been paying attention to, trying not to shed a tear. “Hey.” Eggsy took his chin and forced their eyes to meet. “For better or for worse.” He recited their wedding vows with more conviction than even the day they married. “In sickness and in health.” Eggsy bit his lip to stave off his own tears as Merlin’s fell without warning. “I meant every word then, when you were young and healthy. And I mean them just as much now, maybe even more. I love you.” Each word laced with unyielding sincerity, a weight to them that Merlin felt in his heart. He sealed his love with a hard, bruising kiss that said more than either of them ever could.

“There’s no one I’d rather be with,” Eggsy whispered, gathering Merlin’s hands in his to stroke over thin skin stretched over veins, and hard bone.

He was a sad excuse of his former self, and yet here was this magnificent man who gave up every aspect of his life to be a caretaker.

“How’d I get so lucky?” Merlin smiled through his tears, leaning into the hand that cupped his cheek.

“My Aiden.” Eggsy vowed, and pressed his lips to Merlin’s again. They stared at one another like there was no one else in the room, as if the world fell away and nothing else mattered. It was like looking into the depths of the ocean, endless spiralling of wonder and worlds still yet to be explored.

“Come on.” Eggsy sat back, wiping away the moisture from his face, and Merlin’s. “You should eat more.” Eggsy went back to feeding his husband.

Sometime after dinner and before bed Merlin must have drifted off, because it didn’t feel like long he was being coaxed awake by soft lips pressed tenderly to his, causing Merlin to grin against them. It was such a familiar way to be woken up, and even after all these years it still made his heart flutter. Because he thought Eggsy was a treasure, the most pure thing he had ever had the pleasure to know.

“Let’s get you in bed.” Merlin felt Eggsy’s breath ghost over his face, not having peaked at him yet; he was comfy.

“Ye could always have the staff help,” Merlin suggested, waking fully now.

There was always a little more work when he first woke, needing to allow his limbs and joints get used to movement again. It only made sense they use the staff that was paid to do this, but Eggsy was stubborn and determined to be the one to help Merlin.

What he didn’t know is that at night he couldn’t always control his bladder, or make it in time, so either way nursing staff helped Merlin; he decided to keep that delicate bit of information to himself.

“Nonsense,” Eggsy responded, as he always did. He laced an arm under Merlin’s, supporting his weakened side, and eased him up to walk toward the loo using a hemi walker.

The trips never went smoothly, and often took a bit longer, but Eggsy was patient, knowing it was more difficult for Merlin. They went through the nightly motions of dressing and washing before Eggsy settled Merlin in, tucking the duvet around him like he’s done every night.

“I miss ye in bed with me,” Merlin admitted after a moment. He wasn’t surprised when Eggsy’s eyes softened with sadness. Maybe he shouldn’t have said that, but it was a lot to be cooped up in this twin bed with only four walls to look at and once in a while a trip in the facilities garden when the weather was good.

Eggsy warm palm passed his head, cupping the back of his neck and leaned down for a firm kiss as he gently sat on the side of the bed. “I miss it too.” He took Merlin’s left hand, noticing it twitch toward him--he finally had enough movement in it to wiggle his fingers, they worked on the rest--to kiss each knuckle with the softest of touches. “I’m going to bring you home, Aiden. Even if I have to care for you myself.”

Merlin felt the burn of tears threaten to spill over. It appeared his earlier argument wasn’t heard, Eggsy still insisted to doom himself to a life of servitude. It wasn’t fair! “I can’t do that to ye, Eggsy. Ye are still so young, so much more ye can do than care for yer elderly husband.”

This wasn’t marriage, this wasn’t supposed to happen.

“I’m not going to argue about this, Aiden.” Eggsy tugged their joined hands, making his words more pressing. “It wasn’t a question, or a request. I don’t care. I’m not leaving you in a place like this.” Blue-green eyes burned with determination; Merlin couldn’t look at them.

“Our home is nae equipt for me; I can’t do stairs. Probably won’t ever be able to.”

“So we sell the fucking house, and get a one level.” Eggsy forced his husband to meet his gaze; his eyes wild with need and purpose. “Can’t you see?” Merlin could hear the severity in his voice, how it almost cracked at the end. “I can’t be without you, not for one second. This is killing me,” Eggsy’s voice caught then. It took him a moment to gain composure, and continued. “Leaving you here every night? I can’t take it. My heart physically hurts, and you think I’d be able to leave you here permanently?” He began to shake his head furiously, like a toddler fighting bedtime. “I won’t do it.” Eggsy pressed his lips together, the bottom trembled despite his efforts to form some control over his emotions. “I ain’t leaving my husband here; it’s not going to happen.”

“Oh, Eggsy.” Merlin reached up to run the back of his hand down one side of Eggsy's face, feeling the itch of stubble against his old skin. “My heart, don’t cry.”

“Don’t say stupid shit like that,” Eggsy sniffled. “Thirty five years we’ve been married, and you think I could just toss you away like that? That I could actually live without you in our bed for the rest of your days?” He squeezed his eyes shut, face contorted with such anguish, it broke Merlin’s heart. He took a long, deep breath in before he opened his eyes and regarded Merlin. “I love you so fucking much, I can’t live without you beside me. Not while you’re still here.”

“I won’t mention it again,” Merlin swore.

Eggsy nodded, eyes watching their intertwined fingers. “Good.” He wiped tears from his face. “Now, you need sleep. I’ll be back in the morning.” Eggsy gave him his best smile, the one that lit up his husband’s whole face, with eyes that crinkled in the corners.

It was his favorite.

“I love ye.”

“I love you too.” There was another kiss passed, one with less fear and despair, before he began to hum a bit, lulling Merlin into sleep.

There was something to be said with the way Eggsy stayed until he was out, and dreaming of better times where his body moved like it should and they could enjoy the time that seemed to rob them, yet taunt. Because Merlin was still here, and sometimes it seemed easier if it had taken him out, rather than cripple him until all that was left was his mind, and a poor excuse of a body.

\---

Eggsy watched wrinkles relax, smoothing into one another, as Merlin’s breathing evened out and pressed a final kiss to his forehead before he left; always with the feeling his soul was detached from his body, residing in that bed they couldn’t share. The separation between them felt infinite, as if it would never end; it crushed his spirit.

He’d never admit that to Merlin, not in a million years, and felt the weight of his hopelessness compress him until he was nothing more than a ball of emotion, sitting in his car, crying until there were no more tears to come. Even once his tear ducts were empty, Eggsy didn’t drive home for another half hour, staring up to the third floor where his husband resided. He needed to bring him home, even if it killed him; Eggsy had a new mission in life.

At least when he returned home that night, he wasn’t alone. Their daughter Adira and son-in-law Henry were in town, from Wales, for a few weeks. It had brightened Merlin’s mood each time she went up to see him, even Eggsy lit up, watching Merlin’s joy.

The front light was on, signaling Adira likely waited up for him, except he found her curled in a corner on the sofa, sleeping with her cheek squished against her hand. He grabbed an old, knitted throw and tucked it around her, hoping not to disturb her, but of course she started to stir and stretched, looking up at him with warm hazel eyes.

“Hi,” she murmured.

“Hey babe.” Eggsy pressed a gentle kiss to her forehead. “Should have gone to bed.” He chided softly, settling in next to her with an arm wrapped around her shoulders to pull her close.

“I know.” Adira snuggled close, like she used to as a child, running a hand down her swollen tummy. “How’s Da?”

“Good.” Eggsy rested his head against hers. “A bit tired today; he had physical therapy twice.”

“He’s getting stronger though?”

He nodded. “Yeah, not at the pace he’d like, but he’s making progress.”

Adira turned, regarding him with worry thick in her eyes. “How are you?” He caught the concern in her voice.

“I’m fine.” He lied, because Eggsy didn’t feel fine. His heart hurt, everyday it hurt. But Merlin was getting better, and he’d do anything to get him back home.

“Don’t lie,” she accused him. “Dad, you look like shit,” Adira whispered. As if the tone of her voice softened the sting, or lessened the truth.

Eggsy exhaled a long, hard sigh, scraping a hand down his face, knocking his glasses askew. And suddenly felt more exhausted than he had in the last few months. “I know,” he admitted quietly. He shifted, watching her bright hazel eyes contort, a war within the iris. “You look so much like Da.” Eggsy smiled fondly, tucking a strand of dark brown hair behind her ear.

She smiled up at him. “You tell me that all of the time.”

“It’s true,” Eggsy swore. Their son Lee looked a fair bit like himself. They’d done surrogacy twice, deciding to use Eggsy’s sperm and then Merlin’s; the best decision of their lives.

“You really should rest more, Dad.” Adira leaned into him. “Let me go up more,” she offered.

“No,” Eggsy firmly replied. “You’re six months pregnant. Besides, Da wouldn’t let you.”

She rolled her eyes at him, unimpressed. “Dad,” she almost laughed. “I’ve taken him to the bathroom several times since I’ve been here. I’m fine.”

“Adira, no.”

“At least let Lee help. He’s offered.” The bargaining wouldn’t work, but she pressed on anyway. “You’re going to kill yourself doing it all on your own. He’s not there for nothing, there are professionals there who get paid to do it.” His jaw tightened, teeth clenched hard to keep from snapping at his daughter. “You’re aging yourself quicker doing this. I’m worried about you, so is Lee,” Adira softly added.

Eggsy pulled away, ignoring the way she tried to hold him there, finally having had enough. “I can’t.” Eggsy whimpered, voice shaky. “I’m not letting strangers care for my husband, and I’m not bothering you or your brother. He’s my husband. Mine. He’d do it for me if I needed to be cared for. I’m not going to leave him alone.”

Between Merlin’s request, or demand rather, to be left in the home and his children’s worry, Eggsy felt cornered. It was as if he was trapped between a rock and a hard place, with no room to budge and he had shit to do.

“He’s not alone, and if you kill yourself Da won’t have you. We won’t have you. Your grandchildren won’t have you.” Her voice rose with each word, growing panicked and upset by the second.

“Adira please,” Eggsy begged. “I don’t want to argue, I’m too tired to argue!” He became as frustrated as she sounded. This was a lot on them all, but it would be even harder if Eggsy didn’t do as much as he could. Because if he sat and just thought for a moment, allowing what had happened to process in his mind? He’d go mad, and that would help no one.

Adir sniffled beside him. “I’m sorry.” He cupped her face between both hands, thumbs trailed down to catch fallen tears. “I didn’t mean to yell, baby.” The last thing he wanted to do was hurt his daughter’s feelings, or anyone's for that matter.

“What’s happened to Da we can’t change, hope for the best.” She shrugged as Eggsy wrapped her into a warm hug. “He’s strong, he’ll get better.” Adira nodded against his shoulder. “But I can’t see you run yourself into the ground too.” A sob choked off the last couple of words.

Eggsy leaned away enough to take her hands in his. “I know, but he’s sick. He needs me. Would you do nothing for your husband?” He knew the question was unfair, but he needed her to see. “You and Lee are grown, with your own families.” Eggsy closed his eyes against the new wave of tears that threatened to pool and slip down his face. “He suggested I leave him there, because of our ages. I can’t do it. I love your father too much.” The fear was crippling, clogging his chest until it was hard to breathe. He pressed into the warm hand on his cheek., turning in to give her palm a kiss.

“Okay.” She quietly agreed before she wrapped him in a secure hug.

\---

There were good days, and bad days. The good beginning to outweigh the bad, until an alarming phone call shifted Eggsy’s world again, turning the bright hope of bringing Merlin home in a week, into a nightmare.

“Hello?” Eggsy sat up in bed--it had to be around two in the morning--and listened to the nurse speak in a rush.

_“Mr. Unwin, my name is Vivian, I’m calling from St. Lawrence rehab, and I’m calling to inform you we are sending your husband to the hospital. He had experienced some mental status changes and we want to be sure he hasn’t suffered another stroke.”_

“What hospital?” Eggsy asked as he rushed out of bed, dressing as quickly as he could while holding the phone. They were sending him to the one he had been discharged from; his chest ached with fear and worry. “I’ll meet him there.” Eggsy hung up, and ran out of the house, forgetting to tell his daughter or leave her a note.

He was surprised no one pulled him over on the way. The best they could do was give him information on the baseline they received, guiding him to the waiting room as Merlin was triaged.

The same Doctor who initially revealed the start to their changed lives, was of course the one to bring Eggsy news he feared would be true. “We have him settled. We will be sending him off for more tests, another MRI and CT scan to confirm, but from my assessment it looks like he had another stroke. It’s not uncommon for this to happen after one as large as he had before. I can take you to him.”

Eggsy didn’t know what to say, they had worked so hard to get him where he was, and now all of that was about to be undone. “Will he be okay?” He dared inquire.

“His brain is a little foggy right now, he couldn’t tell me where he was or the date. But he did keep asking for Eggsy.” The Doctor kindly smiled.

“Yeah.” Eggsy nodded with a watery smile, tears threatening to spill over. “That’s me,” he laughed; it was wet and breathy.

They spoke a little more, what to expect and the amount of rehab he may need to get back to where he had worked so hard to achieve, and was brought to Merlin’s room.

Eggsy came up beside Merlin’s right and took his hand. “Babe.” He choked, because he couldn’t believe they were back to this point.

“Eggsy,” Merlin slurred more than normal and tried, but failed, to lift his right hand.

“I’m here,” he soothed, rubbing a hand over Merlin’s head. “I’m here,” Eggsy whispered, and pressed his lips to Merlin’s forehead. He started to hum and watched Merlin drift off. Once he was sure Merlin was asleep, Eggsy let a few tears escape.

The results revealed that Merlin had a smaller stroke that affected the right side of his body, which would hinder movement to what should have been his good side.

Merlin was there a few days when a nurse notified Eggsy of a pattern they’d noticed.

“He what?” Eggsy gawked as they took Merlin to have a shower.

“At night when you leave, he’s asking for you, not sure where he is or why he isn’t home with you and your kids.”

“He’s forgotten?” Eggsy had to sit; his legs felt flaccid and weak. “He doesn’t even remember our kids are grown? With their own?” He ran a shaky hand down his face, wishing this was a nightmare he’d wake from.

The nurse stayed and explained a little more about how strokes affect the elderly, and their memories; sometimes they get dementia from them. Eggsy’s chest tightened with each word, feeling like he’d hyperventilate himself into a coma, until they eventually brought Merlin back in, where he had to compose himself.

Eggsy smiled adoringly at him, he looked like a much older version of the man he married. And maybe that’s what he was now. “Don’t you look lovely.” Eggsy gave him a kiss, enjoying the way Merlin’s cheeks turned pink with a blush from the affection, and took his hands as he sat back down.

Eggsy just stared at him for a moment.

“What?” Merlin asked, rubbing his thumbs into the back of his hands, in a slow circular motion that he’d done for decades.

“I love you.” Eggsy brought his husband’s gnarled hands to his lips for a tender kiss, allowing his mouth to linger. “I just love you.” Eggsy could see it in his eyes, the sadness growing on Merlin’s features.

“I’m sorry,” Merlin whispered.

Eggsy brought the wheelchair closer. “Never be sorry for things you can’t control.”

\---

It had turned out to be a new onset delirium, which with some clarity and reorientation passed after a few nights. Eggsy was grateful of the quick recovery, but still just as scared and frightened the first night Merlin questioned where their small children were. It was like nothing he’d ever done, having to lie to his husband like that. But they were onto bigger and better things, his hospital stay second time around shorter and far less invasive, and with an extra four weeks of therapy, Merlin had his discharge meeting.

The meeting had gone as well as both Eggsy and Merlin would have expected it, except Eggsy was very red faced and angry with him. Lee had to leave shortly after to collect his kids, while Merlin was being settled into his reclining chair as Eggsy saw their son out.

He thanked the assistant and dozed briefly waiting for his husband. Merlin could sense Eggsy in the room, before he even made a sound, but was somewhere between asleep and not. The weight of Eggsy’s hand in his was comforting, despite his husband's evident anger, and he slept for a good few hours.

It wasn’t until later that evening, when tension was high, and the air thick, did Merlin address the elephant in the room. “Ye are thinking too loud.” Merlin stated quietly, observing the lines that littered his husband's face, deepening wrinkles. “Eggsy.”

“No.” Eggsy shifted to meet his gaze properly. “I can’t, Aiden, I can’t.”

“The rest of my years here with ye will be spent caring for me. That’s not how I envisioned our golden years.” Merlin smiled but it didn’t touch his eyes. “Oh, my love. I love ye so much. Can’t ye see this is why I don’t want to go home? I dinnae want to become an infant that ye have to devote yer life to.” He watched Eggsy’s face contort between a mix of anger and heartbreak. “Ye are supposed to be my husband, damnit! Not my caregiver!”

“Aiden.” Eggsy started carefully, caging both of Merlin’s thin, gnarled spotted hands between his. “I told you before, but I feel it needs repeating. You are everything to me. Would you not do the same for me? Would you allow me to be placed into a home? If you were physically capable of caring for me, would you?”

“Of course I would,” Merlin responded without pause.

“I love you. No matter how old you become or how old you are. Regardless of your inability to care for yourself. I promise I will hire help, but as long as it’s possible, I want to bring you home with me. Our home.”

Merlin cast his eyes down to their intertwined hands, and couldn’t help but see the difference. He stroked thumbs over Eggsy’s warm, younger, yet older pair, feeling a magnitude of things for him. Merlin met Eggsy’s worn, beautiful blue-green eyes and cupped his cheek. “Ye are my soul.”

“Mine too.” Eggsy breathed in deeply, and turned his face in to kiss the palm against his skin. “Outside of our children and grandchildren, you are my life.”

“Our babies are all grown up with their own babies.” Merlin was so thankful he had been able to live long enough to see it.

“Hard to believe sometimes,” Eggsy sighed. “God, we’ve come so far.” The fact remained that he was sixty, far older than he’d ever thought he’d live to be. “35 years of marriage.”

“It is a long time,” Merlin agreed. They sat for a long moment, watching one another until both yawned and Merlin could barely keep his eyes open.

The nightly routine was close to the same, with a little extra steps than before his second stroke, but a far cry from the first one that changed their lives. Once Merlin was settled, and goodnight kisses were passed, Merlin took Eggsy’s hand and held it as tightly as he could.

“I’ll come home.” It didn’t seem like much of a statement now, after the long and honest talk they’d had before, but he needed to soothe the frown that never seemed to leave from between Eggsy’s brow.

“You mean that?” Eggsy wondered after a few minutes, seeming wary of Merlin’s answer if questioned too much. “You’ll come home?” It was criminal to deny the hope and spark on Eggsy’s face, how young and light he’d become with the possibility to bring him home.

“Aye,” Merlin repeated before a yawn wrecked his body. His smile was tender and apologetic. “I’ll come home.”

They brought him home two weeks later. It wasn’t perfect, it wasn’t easy, but it was the closest to normal they’ve had in nearly five months. Despite every worry, ever fear and frustration with himself, and anxiety Eggsy wouldn’t love him, wouldn’t stand by him regardless of age and disability, they always pulled through together.

And somehow, they were stronger for it in the end.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. I hope I didn't break your hearts too much. 
> 
> All my love and hugs. 
> 
> Feel free to come find me on tumblr. I'm @stronglyobsessed over there.


End file.
